The day before my gig at the 2020 Recovery Day Festival, I felt off, nervous, and worried. All week I’d been anxious about hosting. If I analyze why it’s the same old story. It’s tied into my old beliefs of ‘not being good enough,’ fear of not being perfect and comparing myself to other people. It doesn’t actually matter if I come out good or bad in my own critical comparisons, it still highlights to me how judgmental we are as humans. The more I put myself out there, the more people have access to Judgy McJudge me. It’s all ego-based and fearful, but so convincing. Clearly, I have fallen into the trap of hanging the ol’ self-worth on external influences.
I’m not complaining but…
I struggle with the pressure of having to be ‘ON,’ I worry that I’ll forget everything. Then the perennial self-doubt starts to sink in. What, if any, is the intrinsic value of me telling my stories? Is there any evolutionary benefit to what I am doing? Do I have a purpose on this planet? Things that I may not have to worry about if I worked at Save-On-Foods.
Blue Skys over Save On.
I’ve worked in a supermarket before and I spent the whole time deciding what I was going to eat for my lunch based on the food I scanned. “Oh, an egg sandwich! That’s a great idea.” BEEP! Easy days!
I did the Recovery Day show a few weeks back and it went well. The response and loving support was overwhelming from the recovery community. The best times are when I’m on stage and I have full trust and confidence in myself and I’m so present it feels like I’m flying.
The kind of unhealthy thinking I suffered pre-event is a good reminder that I need to get back to myself, rekindle my spiritual morning routine, (I’ve been so busy worrying I forgot to meditate). I have to be my own best friend and all that jazzle.
‘Enjoy the joy of simply being.’ That really is the answer to everything. “Lizzie, well done for being you and that’s all you need to do.” My worth does not come from outside. Everyone say it together “OUR WORTH COMES FROM SIMPLY BEING.” It’s beautiful and true. All is well.
I now accept that I have to risk ‘not flying’ every time I go on stage and being on stage is a gift, whatever happens. There is a bigger picture that I cannot see and being me is enough. A little bit of struggle is the price of fossil-fuel-free-flying.
It’s ok not to fly all the time… I can always TRY AGAIN TOMORROW.