Many years ago, I followed my dad’s example and got abstinent from all mind and mood altering substances, or drink and drugs to the layperson. My life opened up. I began working on my health and wellbeing. I found connection and meaning, where before there had been none. I began to thrive. I went to University to study comedy writing and performance. It was wild, finally I was following my passions.
After a time I plateaued and began to feel stuck, again. Despite my fuller, happier existence, I still found myself suffering bouts of depression and isolation. I believed people only loved me when I was charming, funny, and helpful. How would they love me if I was depressed? Crying was not easy for me. I had swallowed my tears for years. Showing up vulnerably was out of the question, I was convinced I would be rejected.
A weight held me down. I couldn’t follow my heart the way I dreamed I should. There was so much perceived danger wrapped up in exposing who I really was to the world, on the stage and off it. My internal battle raged on. All my self-worth hung on how the world received me. I looked for proof that I was ‘unlovable’ and found it and so I moved on. New cities and countries, never settling, always leaving before anyone discovered the truth about me. I wasn’t good enough and I sure wasn’t lovable.
I had no idea unconscious beliefs where dictating my life. These beliefs were created in childhood during traumatic events. In addition to my own life experiences, I was carrying the weight of the undealt-with trauma and loss from my family line. It was confusing and heavy to have so many difficult emotions. Many times in my life I have felt like I must be the worst person in the world.
The universe moves in mysterious ways. I had a intuitive hit to go to Canada and a twist of fate found me enrolled in a three-year therapeutic practitioner program. Over the next three years, I continued to meet myself and my warped beliefs head-on. I learnt how to show up, warts and all, in relationship with other people. It was terrifying to risk vulnerability but I found freedom.
I experienced enormous relief and healing during my training to be a therapist. The work challenged me internally and, over time, I have replaced those damaging beliefs with the Truth; we are all lovable. I now experience a greater depth of joy in my everyday life. Showing up fully and authentically has created profound connection and acceptance of self and others. Not all the time, I’m not an angel. However, this profound depth of vulnerable connection has brought the whole of me to my creativity. For so long I believed lies about myself and this meant I only showed up in a small and limited way. Now, when I set out to create something, funny or serious, it comes freely from the depths of who I am.
Remember, friends, you have access to great power.