The Pain Of Spiritual Growth

It’s been a month since I finished The Hoffman Process. The process involved looking at the negative love patterns that we adopted or rejected in childhood, and choosing to release them. It’s a robust, deeply intense process of self-examination and awareness with the beautiful, spiritual element of self-compassion and bathing in the light of eternal oneness/love. I’m a passionate fan of living life from the sometimes impractical angle of being in service to my soul. That said, I understand if you are new to all of this. It’s a lot to get your head around.

For a long time, my primary mission has been to be in service to my soul. Often, I enjoy the beautiful benefits of living a life in light and love. I started learning how through books as a teenager. It really began as a spiritual practice in earnest around twelve years ago when I became abstinent from all mood and mind-altering substances. The truth is, even though we have access to this light all the time, we still have to manage tricky emotions, the ego-mind, and the physical experience of having a body. All this can cloud our feelings of connection with Source. This physical reality and linear time structure are so powerful and convincing when push comes to shove. Am I right, or am I right!? It helps me to remember we came from nothing and return to nothing.

What happens when our spiritual experience kicks up a gear? It takes some getting used to. We open ourselves up to all sorts of beautiful experiences with other people, nature, the light within, but we also become more sensitive. Our physical energy can suddenly leave us. We experience shifts in perspective, and sudden changes may occur in our personal lives. This is almost always discombobulating to the small-self or the earth-bound version of the self. We love to feel safe and know that all of our earthly needs are taken care of. A spiritual upgrade can feel like we are being made to ‘walk the plank,’ Captain Hook style, into the icy depths of the Baltic Sea.

Spiritual breakthroughs can happen with or without our permission. When we ignore the calling for expansion, we can experience a kick so hard that it feels like our lives are falling apart. If it’s happening to you, it’s quite probably because it needs to. We are constantly being called to be in service to our soul’s mission for expansion and union. And since our soul can never be harmed, it doesn’t care if it smashes through all the structures of our earthly existence with a big loud, “Hello, remember me?” The soul is not in service to your ego’s need for comfort and safety.

What I am currently experiencing is challenging and, at times, scary. I am willing to follow my soul, but it’s terrifying. My ego is shouting at me, “Stay small, you stupid idiot.” My emotions are flaring painfully, cycling me through sadness, confusion, upset, anger, then back again. I’m oscillating wildly between love and fear as if I’m being smashed against the rocks of despair and then rescued by angels of exultation and then dropped again. It’s crazy-making, but as with all good adventures, the threat of peril is necessary. It’s funny in many ways; I might not survive. Please play Final Countdown at my funeral.

I’m being dramatic, but, as the old saying goes, “Without fire, nothing new can be built.” Sometimes a good smashing against the proverbial rocks is precisely what we need in order to grow. Sometimes we must discover ourselves a-new before we can sail off into the next chapter of this grand old adventure called life.


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